It was a brand new year. Harry Ass was excited about his first day of school. It really sucked. A few months later, in November or something, Doctor Patzwald, the evil wizard Harry Ass killed when he was a baby (with his hairy ass), came back to life. He was to come to the meeting on Friday. The school was terrified and locked the doors for a whole hour. Harry Ass wasn’t worried though. After all, he had a really hairy ass, and he didn’t have NO mod that day (“mods” are the way Harry’s stupid school divides classes).
It was just average though. Threats of Patzwald’s return were always written on the wall at least once a year. People thought nothing of Patzwald, until one day….
Patzwald returned, except this time, according to the writing in the wizard bathroom, he WOULDN’T be at the staff meeting. The school was so shocked that they jumped onto buses and stayed at Nagel, the city sewer, for an hour. Patzwald really did come back to life. For the next few weeks, Patzwald himself was coming in and out of the building. Harry Ass was scared shitless because he thought Patzwald was out to kill him—-and because he’s a moron. The situation had gotten so bad that they czeched everyone’s bags before they entered the stupid magic academy. It was miserable for the retards standing in the freezing temperatures of the deadly Ohio winter. Everyone knew this horrible situation had to be brought to an end.
It was December 15 when something horrible happened. It was a…. a….. A BACKPACK IN THE HALL, ALONE!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! Patzwald, the evil wizard, planted a mysterious backpack in the halls, and everyone shit their pants at the same time. It was smelly; it was chaotic. Officer Fred, the friendly officer who is black, and thus, can’t stop joking about his blackness, which gets really old (even before you see his Shaft impersonation), took his gun, and began shooting the backpack. It was insane… even though nothing really happened. Carter, the school’s “insane” “bitch” “nazi” “fascist” “fucking retard” “ugly” “whore”, school master saw Fred shooting the backpack. Fred kept on saying “DIE DIE DIE!!!”. It was a horrible sight to behold. Carter fired Fred for shooting a backpack like a fucking idiot-—“Motha fucka!” said Fred, mustering up the last of his strength to sound funny even though he isn’t--he knows, we know, everyone knows, and he should just stop trying.
Harry Ass, who saw all this shooting happen with his own eyes, told Ron Ass-Weasle, his borderline retarded friend with bloody-tampon colored hair. “WOW Harry. You ass is hairy!” They walked off into the bathroom together. They didn’t come out for hours.
The next day, Andrew and Steve resurrected Dimebag, and the three of them burned down the whole damn school.